Cell Phone Etiquette

"Hey, dip shit, nobody cares about your personal problems. Shut it!"

No, I wasn't able to say this to the annoying woman in the waiting room today (my wife was with me), but I definitely wanted to. The woman was carrying one of the most pointless conversations an ass bag can hold, and she was doing so in a crowded waiting room full of anxious parents in a children's hospital. Wrong place, wrong time. The problem I have is not so much with this one woman in particular; although, I'm not sure that explaining to Cindy that "Steve isn't allowed in the house until he stops drinking and smoking" is the conversation I would be having while my child is about to see a doctor about a serious issue. No, my problem is that inappropriate cell phone use is becoming an epidemic in our society. So much so that I find myself holding back from physically attacking said cell phone abusers on a daily basis.

Look, I have a cell phone. In fact, I have a fancy, popular cell phone; however, I like to think that I use my cell phone at very "appropriate" times only. As a result, I'd consider myself quite an expert on cell phone etiquette, so let's go over a few places where using a cell phone may be considered inappropriate.

First of all, I want to make clear that we are not discussing safety related issues, so using the phone while driving is a topic that is off-limits. We're talking about times in which one's cell phone usage is disrespectful to those in the near vicinity.

1. The aforementioned scenario certainly falls under the category of inappropriate. While sitting in a waiting room full of anxious parents, talking loudly on a cell phone is a less than stellar idea. Throw in the fact that the conversation was about preventing an alcoholic man back into the home of a woman and small child, and the scene is thrust into the W.T. zone. A zone within no bystander wants to be. This woman was clearly only thinking about herself, and was one of the most inconsiderate parents imaginable. Apparently she also has bad taste in men. Level of inappropriateness: Sucks.

2. Any time one pulls out a cell phone while paying for ANY product at ANY register, be it a store or a restaurant, that person should be hit in the head immediately with a monkey wrench. Unless, said individual is the King of Cambodia, the owner of the establishment, or Will Smith's character in Independence Day, he's not that important. The conversation can wait three minutes. Besides, it's probably just the customer's mom or wife asking him to pick something up on the way home-nobody wants to answer that call. Level of inappropriateness: Totally sucks.

3. I see a lot of people walk into offices and either continue conversations on their cell phones or start a conversation on their cell phones while being helped. This is stupid. Whether it's in the main office of a high school or the waiting room of a doctor's office, the employee behind the counter deserves to be treated with respect. Let's be honest, the (mostly) women working in these positions are probably the busiest, most stressed out, under paid employees in the joint; the last thing they want to deal with is some moron who can't hold off on a call while being helped. This inconsiderate buffoon sucks at life. Oh, and by the way, just because one uses a blue tooth doesn't make it any better, it just means the person is inconsiderate and a douche. Besides, that little microphone looks so dumb.. Level of inappropriateness: Super sucky.

4. Finally, the most disgusting habit performed by these Einstein's really takes the (urinal) cake. That's right. I'm talking about the bags of trash that talk on their cell phone while in public bathrooms (I'm not talking about at home; use the phone while on a personal shitter without a second thought). Now, I can understand the drunk guy who uses his phone in the bathroom while wasted at a bar- we all do stupid things when drinking. I'm talking about the ignorant fools who rest their $500 cell phones on their shoulders while standing over a public toilet. I mean, seriously? That conversation can't hold on until after one's body has released its toxins? I can't imagine the sense of disgust and disappointment one must feel when he inevitably loses his lifeline to a toilet. This is not the place for a phone conversation. Level of inappropriateness: Sucks ass.

It's pretty simple folks. There's a lack of common sense in this country, and it's clear when watching cell phone users. It's  a good thing I'm here to clear things up.

Later, idiots.

EI

Welcome to 2013! It’s only been about two years since I’ve posted on this blog, so I’m practically writing to no one, at this point. But, I’ve had a strong urge to start complaining publicly again, so here I am. Spread the word. Tell the masses, but tell them slowly so they understand. The Everyday Idiot is back! OK, stop cheering and read: I’m fed up with these people that post comments online. They’re complete morons, for the most part, and they represent the dumbest of the dumb in America. So, let’s attack.

 It’s important to note that I’m not talking about those individuals that leave comments on social networks, or the people that post status updates every twelve seconds. While those people can be equally annoying, at least they are using a portal that was designed for such transmissions. I’m talking about the simple-minded retirees, jobless folks, desk jockey’s, and/or individuals with jobs that require them to do nothing all day, who feel it is their duty to leave a simple-minded comment on every online news story. I cannot possibly create a comprehensive post that entails all of my issues with these people, so I will explain only a few of my main problems.

     Problem # .5: I labeled this problem .5 because I'm only going to mention it. Writing an entire paragraph on this issue might give me a coronary, or I might end up breaking my computer. I like my computer. I'll just say that these morons are usually writing about something completely off-topic, or they will take something completely out of context and try to hammer a point that has nothing to do with the issue at hand. Ex: A kid steals candy from a baby on his way home from school, the comment board troll starts hammering the schools for not teaching the kids that stealing is wrong. Not the issue here, sir. Stop it.
     Problem # 1: These people cannot create a proper argument to save their lives. Look, I’m not saying that every human being needs to have courtroom worthy arguments at all time, but for God’s sake, could these people at least be able to support their arguments with some sort of factual information? I can’t count how many times I’ve read someone’s bulletin board comment where they develop some uber-aggressive conspiracy that lacks any factual information whatsoever, and if anyone challenges them with a sufficient argument, the response is typically some sort of insult-laden, name-calling episode. I’m all about name-calling; it’s one of my favorite things to do. But, at least be able to support your claim while blasting epithets at people. Don’t resort to a “grown-up” version of the Dozens.
      Problem #2: These people can’t write a coherent statement to save their lives. Come on, folks. Is writing standard English in a coherent way really that much of a lost art? I’m not saying I’m the greatest writer, nor do I always use perfect grammar, but these people can barely throw together more than two words in a sentence that has any substance. I guess this skill deficit should be expected considering the arguments suggest a lack of education; however, even the least educated of citizens should still be able to place words next to each other in a way that makes sense.
      Problem #3: These people, apparently, have nothing good to offer society. This may be the biggest problem I have with these internet trolls. I mean, do this many people really not have jobs? How is it that so many comments, posts, and responses can take place throughout the course of a work day? There can’t be that many stay-at-home moms and dads. This leads me to only a couple of conclusions: 1) the majority of these “geniuses” who think they are qualified enough to judge and critique the thoughts and works of others are not even qualified enough to work a day job, or 2) too many people work meaningless jobs that require little to no attention, so little that the workers can spend the day surfing the internet making ignorant comments. If the former is the case, then I guess the job crisis in America is worse than I thought. Obviously, there are plenty of people with something to say and plenty of time, so perhaps we should be creating work for them. If the latter is the case, then I suppose I am extremely jealous. I work a job that many have criticized in the last few years, yet my job requires 100% attention for almost my entire workday.
      Regardless of the reasons for which these people have the time to spew uninformed, irrelevant information upon the casual internet user, one thing is for sure: this behavior lands this portion of society on the top of Idiot Mountain. There’s nothing more absurd than reading a battle of “wits” on a bulletin board between two idiot Americans, and quite frankly, it makes me fear for the future of our country.

      Oh, well. I suppose I take the time to read these interactions, so perhaps I’m the only true idiot here. 

      Peace out, for now, idiots.

Waiting at Restaurants

Well, I only had one post in 2010; I guess that means my year was relatively calm. But, sure enough, here I am sitting in my living room, pissed about some events that occurred last weekend, and 2011 is still in its infancy. This time, it was the idiots at a local Carrabba's that worked me up. To be honest, there wasn't anything that anyone in the restaurant did to me personally; rather, it was the obscene amount of morons that were waiting to be seated that made me want to break somebody's face.

Our night's plans were simple: we were to meet up with some friends, go to dinner, and see a movie. My wife and I had a gift certificate to the delicious Italian eatery as did the couple we were meeting. Perfect, right? Well, we arrived at the restaurant around 7:30 p.m. expecting a typical fifteen to twenty minute wait. The parking lot traffic was minimal, so things started off as planned. However, once we arrived at the doorway into the restaurant, we noticed that there was a ridiculous amount of people waiting. I'm not talking about ten to fifteen people either; I'm talking about forty to fifty. Literally.

Obviously, we knew we weren't going to eat here, but we decided to check on the wait anyway. The response from the hostess: 85 minutes. 85 minutes! Seriously. And if the hostess says 85 minutes, it's more likely going to be 100. An hour and forty minutes of waiting just to have someone else make me a plate of Chicken Alfredo. Except, no one was going to make me anything at this restaurant on that night because I'm not dumb enough to wait that long.

What bothers me is this: there were roughly fifty people willing and ready to wait over an hour and half to eat at Carrabba's. Let's examine this for a moment. Here are a list of ten other things I could do in an hour and forty minutes that are much better than waiting to be served a hot plate of fucking pasta: see an entire move; drive to the city, get Slow's to go, and drive back to the suburbs; watch almost all of a college basketball game; sleep. All of these are better options than waiting in a crowded restaurant while servers try angrily to get around me while carrying plates of the food for which I'm salivating. Yet, fifty people thought this was a great option.

This leads me to one main conclusion: we, as Americans, are really fucking lazy. I mean seriously fucking lazy. Some of these people selfishly forced their young, hungry children to stand next to them while their fat asses sat on the uncomfortable waiting area benches because they would rather wait an obnoxious amount of time for someone else to cook for them than spend twenty minutes cooking a pot of mostaccioli themselves.

At this point, we were already far from home and out with our friends, so we tried one more place, which had a long wait as well, and ended up at Pizza Hut. Yup, we ate at an actual sit-down Pizza Hut. But you know what? Fuck it. I was much happier eating amongst a bunch of families that were looking for a cheap way to feed a lot of people as a treat than eating amongst a bunch of people who were so lazy that they would actually wait nearly two hours for restaurant food.

First idiots of the year: the morons waiting for an hour and forty minutes at Carrabba's.

Movie Theater Etiquette

Have you ever been sitting in a movie theater while a movie you were really excited to see was just about to start, yet all you wanted to do is punch all of the other moviegoers in the face? Me too. Here are a couple of the most annoying behaviors that the dumbest of our society display while at the local film shop:

Talking: Let’s start with the obvious one, first. When you’re in a movie theater, do everyone else a favor and just shut the hell up. If you really need to speak with someone, walk your lazy ass into the concession area, where it’s louder than hell anyway, and do your speaking there. And, if you are one of those morons who always has to question what is happening in the movie, then you are too dumb to be seeing the film in the first place. Leave.

Yelling at the screen: Seriously? I don’t care if the movie is too scary for you, or if the hot young actor took off his shirt, stop yelling at the damn screen. Teenage girls are probably the most to blame for this annoyance. Look, not only can Taylor Lautner NOT hear you, but he wouldn’t date your broke ass anyway. And, if you’re scared, sack up! You are in a theater full of people. You should be more scared in the parking lot. Moron.

Clappers: We know the movie is over. We realize that it was pretty good. But, no one in your local theater needs your encouragement or approval. Stop clapping at the end of the film.

Late Arrivers: I saved this one for last because it might be the most annoying. My mom recently reminded me of these douchers, so I thought I would point them out. These are the self-absorbed jerks who arrive in the theater once the movie has already begun, and they interrupt everyone else’s movie going experience. Usually, these inconsiderate pricks will not only get in the way of your view while they are walking in, but they are almost always talking while trying to find an open seat.
What really chaps my ass about these bags has to be when they ask someone to scoot down so that they can fit in, or sit on the end. I mean, we were here first, asshole. Did all of these people’s newspapers print the wrong movie time? Is that why they come in so late? I highly doubt it. These selfish jerks just assumed that they could get to the theater at the last minute and grab a good seat. Well too bad, jack-bag. Sit in the front row; everyone hates you anyway. Idiot.

Cable Companies

OK, I’m fired up. Is there anything worse in our consumer-driven society than cable companies and/or TV networks? I mean, come on, these things must have been created by Lucifer himself. Other than, perhaps, cell phone companies, there aren’t too many businesses that can get away with completely screwing up, not delivering a product at times, and then still over charging you for that product no matter what. Confused? I’ll explain:

A very short time ago my cable went out. It was a Sunday, and anyone who knows me personally knows that Sunday is TV day for me. I start off the day with a recap of the week’s sports on SportsCenter, and then I proceed to watch copious amounts of NFL football. By the end of the day, my wife and I are glued to the Sunday night lineup on HBO. Now, other than the HBO, these Sunday programs are live, thus I cannot watch them in real time EVER again. Missing these programs means my whole day is ruined, in terms of TV watching. Now, I understand that I can go outside and find something productive to do. Additionally, I realize that I could be using that time to read a book, or grade papers; but, filling the time void is not the point of my frustration. Instead, I get angry because not only did I set aside that time for TV viewing, but I PAY A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR MY CABLE!

So, thinking logically, I call my cable company to get some answers as to why my cable isn’t working. Being a Sunday, it takes me about 30 painful minutes of pressing countless buttons; listening to every direction in Spanish first, then English; transferring from sales to customer service; and then finally listening to terrible music, which is occasionally interrupted by a spoken ad that happens to be 10 decibels louder than the music, while I hold for the next available representative. Eventually, I finally reach Beelzebub on the other line and I state my problem:

“Hi, Beelzebub. My cable seems to be out. Is there anything I can do to fix this?”

“Hmm, let me see. What area do you live in?”

I tell her.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. We have some reported outages in that area,” she responds as if it is no big deal and a burden for her to look it up.

“OK. Is it going to be fixed?”

“Well, sir, it’s Sunday, so there’s a chance that they won’t get to it until tomorrow.”

I know it’s Sunday, bitch; that’s why I’m pissed – I think this.

“Really? So, you’re telling me I have no TV for today?”

“Well, no cable.”

I’m gonna break your face, smart ass. – Again, I think this.

“And this is supposed to be OK?”

“They’re going to try their best, sir.”

“OK. Well, I guess there’s nothing I can do. But, is there going to be some sort of compensation for this?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, am I going to have a discounted bill or maybe a free station for a few days?”

She giggles, “not that I know of.”

“Well, that doesn’t seem fair. If I had an emergency and had to withhold my bill for a few days, I would have a penalty wouldn’t I?”

“Probably, but that’s just not how it works, sir.”

Now, I’m going to stop right there, because this is the line that really bothers me. Why isn’t that the way it works? I mean, I pay well over one hundred dollars for my digital cable lineup (complete with HD, DVR, and HBO). So, why shouldn’t I be entitled to some level of compensation when the cable company has a problem? Like I told Beelzebub, I would have to pay if it were my mistake. Instead, I’m forced to jump hoop after hoop just to another human who acts like I’m the one who has made a mistake the entire time we chat.

This scenario is one that drives me nuts. I had a similar encounter with my phone company once, as well, when my texting capabilities went out for a few days. And again, I bargained for some sort of restitution from the company, but it was all to no avail. I had lost out to the man again.

Needless to say, I hate Lucifer and his disciples known as cable company employees. One day I will no longer be held back by the constraints of the fat rich men who own these companies. Until then, I guess I’ll just keep bitching.

Idiots.

Suggestive Sellers

So, I used to work at a pretzel stand in a mall when I was in college. One of the “techniques” that we were taught as an employee was called “suggestive selling.” This is where a customer asks for one item, and you offer them more items, or a more expensive item hoping that they will bite onto your suggestions and buy more of your product. Check it:

Customer: “Can I get a medium pop?”
Employee: “Yeah, but you know you can get a large for only 15 cents more.”
Customer: “Really?! Wow, yeah, get me a large!”
Employee: “You know for 99 cents you can add a pretzel!”
Customer: “Excellent! Get me a pretzel as well!”

Harmless enough, I suppose. If someone is dumb enough to buy into the selling every time they go to get a soda, then they deserve to spend the extra change and consume the extra calories. But, this isn’t the main point of my blog. Instead, I’d like to vent my frustrations with the annoying bunch of ass bags that work at my local Dunkin Donuts:

For the last few mornings I have entered my local establishment that serves, perhaps, the best coffee known to man. There are always the same four employees standing behind the counter- eagerly awaiting my request. Now, I must say, each of these employees has an accent that I would best describe as being Indian in its origin, and I’ve always found it to be very “cute.” The guy always refers to me as “my friend,” and I like that-this staff always made me happy. However, recently it is as if these newly formed enemies have attended a conference on suggestive selling, and they completely missed the point of the technique. Let me set the scene:

6:45 a.m. Any given weekday morning:
I arrive at the Dunkin Donuts and I am graciously greeted by the male employee.

“Good morning my friend!” he says. “Oh, hey, good morning,” is usually my reply.
“Large coffee today?” he asks in a way that almost sounds like he’s telling me, not asking. “Please,” I’ll normally say.

Now at this point, I already have my money out, ready to pay, and I am handing it to the cashier. In the past, this was the end of the transaction, and I would happily go on my way with my delicious cup of coffee. But recently, things have changed. Before she takes my money, the cashier will ask.

“What else?” Those two words are all she will say. Not, “can I get you anything else?”Or, “would you like anything else?” just “What else?”

“Oh, nothing I’m good,” I’ll reply. “We have bagels,” she will state- as if I can’t see the huge f’ing picture of a bagel in front of my face, or the countless racks of bagels sitting a mere four feet in front of me. “Just the coffee, thanks,” I’ll say.

“No donut?” “No.” “Muffin?” “No.” “Take some to work?”

By this point I’m pissed, like, seriously pissed. I’m so pissed that I’m literally biting my lip to prevent myself from saying something that I know will get me into trouble. All I want to do is get my delicious cup of coffee and head to work, but this bagel baking bastard will not take my damn money and give me my cup.

Sure, I could go somewhere else, but I love Dunkin Donuts’ coffee; it’s the greatest. All I ask is that these numb nuts stop trying to sell me more shit when I go into the store. If I wanted a bagel, I would order the damn thing. The same goes for donuts, donut holes, juice, or any other inferior product that Dunkin Donuts sells other than coffee. Just make my coffee, give it to me, and say, “Have a nice day.” Idiots.

The Over Reactive Parent

Let’s talk about a portion of the population that really gets under my skin. As a teacher and a coach, there is one thing that really gets on my nerves on an almost daily basis: the over reactive parent. Now, this vessel of anger and venom seems to exist in all aspects of my life, considering my chosen profession. But I’m going to focus on the parent that becomes way too involved at sporting events.

You’ve all seen this person: He or she is the one who constantly has to yell at the coach or the official whenever anything happens that doesn’t positively affect his or her child. For example, if said parent’s child loses a sporting event, and the ORP’s child doesn’t play, then the coach must deserve to get screamed at for not allowing ample playing time which could have resulted in a victory because Johnny All-Star would have made a dramatic impact. Surely the coach must have a personal beef with Johnny, and it has nothing to do with John’s inability to perform.

Additionally, you’ll often find this foul-mouthed buffoon screaming at officials from the sideline. “That wasn’t a strike!” “Throw the damn flag!” “Oh, come on, ref. That wasn’t even close to a foul.” These are staples at high school sporting events around the nation. Most often, these words will be spewing from the man with the cut-off shirt, or the woman with the ridiculously large buttons on her chest-her son’s picture prominently displayed on her bosom.

Whichever form this anger management dropout may take, he never follows the rules of appropriate behavior at a sporting event. My problems arise when I try to figure out just why these folks harbor the anger in which they create. Is it a lost childhood they are trying to reclaim? Perhaps it’s a spoiled sporting event from their past. I just don’t know. All I know is that I hate the idiotic tendencies that these people have, and they display nothing but poor judgment in front of their impressionable children.