Suggestive Sellers

So, I used to work at a pretzel stand in a mall when I was in college. One of the “techniques” that we were taught as an employee was called “suggestive selling.” This is where a customer asks for one item, and you offer them more items, or a more expensive item hoping that they will bite onto your suggestions and buy more of your product. Check it:

Customer: “Can I get a medium pop?”
Employee: “Yeah, but you know you can get a large for only 15 cents more.”
Customer: “Really?! Wow, yeah, get me a large!”
Employee: “You know for 99 cents you can add a pretzel!”
Customer: “Excellent! Get me a pretzel as well!”

Harmless enough, I suppose. If someone is dumb enough to buy into the selling every time they go to get a soda, then they deserve to spend the extra change and consume the extra calories. But, this isn’t the main point of my blog. Instead, I’d like to vent my frustrations with the annoying bunch of ass bags that work at my local Dunkin Donuts:

For the last few mornings I have entered my local establishment that serves, perhaps, the best coffee known to man. There are always the same four employees standing behind the counter- eagerly awaiting my request. Now, I must say, each of these employees has an accent that I would best describe as being Indian in its origin, and I’ve always found it to be very “cute.” The guy always refers to me as “my friend,” and I like that-this staff always made me happy. However, recently it is as if these newly formed enemies have attended a conference on suggestive selling, and they completely missed the point of the technique. Let me set the scene:

6:45 a.m. Any given weekday morning:
I arrive at the Dunkin Donuts and I am graciously greeted by the male employee.

“Good morning my friend!” he says. “Oh, hey, good morning,” is usually my reply.
“Large coffee today?” he asks in a way that almost sounds like he’s telling me, not asking. “Please,” I’ll normally say.

Now at this point, I already have my money out, ready to pay, and I am handing it to the cashier. In the past, this was the end of the transaction, and I would happily go on my way with my delicious cup of coffee. But recently, things have changed. Before she takes my money, the cashier will ask.

“What else?” Those two words are all she will say. Not, “can I get you anything else?”Or, “would you like anything else?” just “What else?”

“Oh, nothing I’m good,” I’ll reply. “We have bagels,” she will state- as if I can’t see the huge f’ing picture of a bagel in front of my face, or the countless racks of bagels sitting a mere four feet in front of me. “Just the coffee, thanks,” I’ll say.

“No donut?” “No.” “Muffin?” “No.” “Take some to work?”

By this point I’m pissed, like, seriously pissed. I’m so pissed that I’m literally biting my lip to prevent myself from saying something that I know will get me into trouble. All I want to do is get my delicious cup of coffee and head to work, but this bagel baking bastard will not take my damn money and give me my cup.

Sure, I could go somewhere else, but I love Dunkin Donuts’ coffee; it’s the greatest. All I ask is that these numb nuts stop trying to sell me more shit when I go into the store. If I wanted a bagel, I would order the damn thing. The same goes for donuts, donut holes, juice, or any other inferior product that Dunkin Donuts sells other than coffee. Just make my coffee, give it to me, and say, “Have a nice day.” Idiots.