Cable Companies

OK, I’m fired up. Is there anything worse in our consumer-driven society than cable companies and/or TV networks? I mean, come on, these things must have been created by Lucifer himself. Other than, perhaps, cell phone companies, there aren’t too many businesses that can get away with completely screwing up, not delivering a product at times, and then still over charging you for that product no matter what. Confused? I’ll explain:

A very short time ago my cable went out. It was a Sunday, and anyone who knows me personally knows that Sunday is TV day for me. I start off the day with a recap of the week’s sports on SportsCenter, and then I proceed to watch copious amounts of NFL football. By the end of the day, my wife and I are glued to the Sunday night lineup on HBO. Now, other than the HBO, these Sunday programs are live, thus I cannot watch them in real time EVER again. Missing these programs means my whole day is ruined, in terms of TV watching. Now, I understand that I can go outside and find something productive to do. Additionally, I realize that I could be using that time to read a book, or grade papers; but, filling the time void is not the point of my frustration. Instead, I get angry because not only did I set aside that time for TV viewing, but I PAY A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR MY CABLE!

So, thinking logically, I call my cable company to get some answers as to why my cable isn’t working. Being a Sunday, it takes me about 30 painful minutes of pressing countless buttons; listening to every direction in Spanish first, then English; transferring from sales to customer service; and then finally listening to terrible music, which is occasionally interrupted by a spoken ad that happens to be 10 decibels louder than the music, while I hold for the next available representative. Eventually, I finally reach Beelzebub on the other line and I state my problem:

“Hi, Beelzebub. My cable seems to be out. Is there anything I can do to fix this?”

“Hmm, let me see. What area do you live in?”

I tell her.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. We have some reported outages in that area,” she responds as if it is no big deal and a burden for her to look it up.

“OK. Is it going to be fixed?”

“Well, sir, it’s Sunday, so there’s a chance that they won’t get to it until tomorrow.”

I know it’s Sunday, bitch; that’s why I’m pissed – I think this.

“Really? So, you’re telling me I have no TV for today?”

“Well, no cable.”

I’m gonna break your face, smart ass. – Again, I think this.

“And this is supposed to be OK?”

“They’re going to try their best, sir.”

“OK. Well, I guess there’s nothing I can do. But, is there going to be some sort of compensation for this?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, am I going to have a discounted bill or maybe a free station for a few days?”

She giggles, “not that I know of.”

“Well, that doesn’t seem fair. If I had an emergency and had to withhold my bill for a few days, I would have a penalty wouldn’t I?”

“Probably, but that’s just not how it works, sir.”

Now, I’m going to stop right there, because this is the line that really bothers me. Why isn’t that the way it works? I mean, I pay well over one hundred dollars for my digital cable lineup (complete with HD, DVR, and HBO). So, why shouldn’t I be entitled to some level of compensation when the cable company has a problem? Like I told Beelzebub, I would have to pay if it were my mistake. Instead, I’m forced to jump hoop after hoop just to another human who acts like I’m the one who has made a mistake the entire time we chat.

This scenario is one that drives me nuts. I had a similar encounter with my phone company once, as well, when my texting capabilities went out for a few days. And again, I bargained for some sort of restitution from the company, but it was all to no avail. I had lost out to the man again.

Needless to say, I hate Lucifer and his disciples known as cable company employees. One day I will no longer be held back by the constraints of the fat rich men who own these companies. Until then, I guess I’ll just keep bitching.

Idiots.

Suggestive Sellers

So, I used to work at a pretzel stand in a mall when I was in college. One of the “techniques” that we were taught as an employee was called “suggestive selling.” This is where a customer asks for one item, and you offer them more items, or a more expensive item hoping that they will bite onto your suggestions and buy more of your product. Check it:

Customer: “Can I get a medium pop?”
Employee: “Yeah, but you know you can get a large for only 15 cents more.”
Customer: “Really?! Wow, yeah, get me a large!”
Employee: “You know for 99 cents you can add a pretzel!”
Customer: “Excellent! Get me a pretzel as well!”

Harmless enough, I suppose. If someone is dumb enough to buy into the selling every time they go to get a soda, then they deserve to spend the extra change and consume the extra calories. But, this isn’t the main point of my blog. Instead, I’d like to vent my frustrations with the annoying bunch of ass bags that work at my local Dunkin Donuts:

For the last few mornings I have entered my local establishment that serves, perhaps, the best coffee known to man. There are always the same four employees standing behind the counter- eagerly awaiting my request. Now, I must say, each of these employees has an accent that I would best describe as being Indian in its origin, and I’ve always found it to be very “cute.” The guy always refers to me as “my friend,” and I like that-this staff always made me happy. However, recently it is as if these newly formed enemies have attended a conference on suggestive selling, and they completely missed the point of the technique. Let me set the scene:

6:45 a.m. Any given weekday morning:
I arrive at the Dunkin Donuts and I am graciously greeted by the male employee.

“Good morning my friend!” he says. “Oh, hey, good morning,” is usually my reply.
“Large coffee today?” he asks in a way that almost sounds like he’s telling me, not asking. “Please,” I’ll normally say.

Now at this point, I already have my money out, ready to pay, and I am handing it to the cashier. In the past, this was the end of the transaction, and I would happily go on my way with my delicious cup of coffee. But recently, things have changed. Before she takes my money, the cashier will ask.

“What else?” Those two words are all she will say. Not, “can I get you anything else?”Or, “would you like anything else?” just “What else?”

“Oh, nothing I’m good,” I’ll reply. “We have bagels,” she will state- as if I can’t see the huge f’ing picture of a bagel in front of my face, or the countless racks of bagels sitting a mere four feet in front of me. “Just the coffee, thanks,” I’ll say.

“No donut?” “No.” “Muffin?” “No.” “Take some to work?”

By this point I’m pissed, like, seriously pissed. I’m so pissed that I’m literally biting my lip to prevent myself from saying something that I know will get me into trouble. All I want to do is get my delicious cup of coffee and head to work, but this bagel baking bastard will not take my damn money and give me my cup.

Sure, I could go somewhere else, but I love Dunkin Donuts’ coffee; it’s the greatest. All I ask is that these numb nuts stop trying to sell me more shit when I go into the store. If I wanted a bagel, I would order the damn thing. The same goes for donuts, donut holes, juice, or any other inferior product that Dunkin Donuts sells other than coffee. Just make my coffee, give it to me, and say, “Have a nice day.” Idiots.